Dearest Darling Friends,

 

A few weeks agoLast, I was sitting with our children Neeraj and Mahek.

 

Bharathi (wifey) was not at home.

 

I has spilled a glass filled with Chiku Milk shake on the sofa. I had done my best to remove all proofs of the spill.

 

Even after my best efforts, the stain was clearly visible.

 

I looked with bewilderment at the glass which was the villain. I looked at with a hope that staring at it might make the spilled milk shake go back in the glass.

 

This just shows my out and out positive attitude, doesn’t it?

 

The silly look on my face was being watched with curiosity by the kids.

 

I knew I am being closely observed.

 

Not knowing what to say and how to behave, I asked the children, “How do you feel when there is no one to blame?” Haha. 😛

 

They recognized my feeble attempt of bravery.

 

They also realised I was at my wits end.

 

From their faces it was clear they were more interested in my wife Bharathi’s response to the situation and not mine.

 

This generation of kids are really smart. They know who is the BOSS.

 

I asked Neeraj, “How do you feel when you realise you have made a stupid mistake?”

 

Neeraj answered, “DUMB”.

 

Mahek was watching the entire proceedings as if she is a reporter collecting data to report. (to who else but the BOSS).

 

I asked Neeraj a follow up question, “When you make a mistake, how do you want to be treated?”

 

Once again Neeraj answered in a single word, “Properly”.

 

“If it is a bad mistake?”, I asked.

 

Bharathi had requested us enough number of times not to bring liquid things on to the sofa.

 

So yes, my mistake was indeed very very bad.

 

In all simplicity Neeraj answered, “Even when the mistake is bad, very bad, my heart still desires I should be spoken to properly.”

 

Till now he was looking at the TV screen where HIS team RCB was playing.

 

For the first time in the entire episode, he turned around, looked at me and said, “The moment I realise I have made a mistake, I tell myself I will be careful next time. Now that I have decided I will be careful next time means I expect to be treated properly. What is the point in getting angry at me now?”

 

Oh my god.

 

This amazing son of mine seemed to be making so much sense.

 

When someone realizes their mistake, they need a support system, not a rebuke.

 

With guilt I thought of a few times when I had acted like a tough nut even when people had accepted their mistake.

 

For some reason my thinking had been that a proper scolding or shouting is required for the lesson to last long.

 

The thinking was ‘they should feel guilty for making the mistake’.

 

The way Neeraj shared, it was clear, when people make mistakes they first needed realization, then guidance, then a support system but NEVER ‘rebukes’.

 

Rebuke rarely corrects people, but it does makes them defiant.

 

It makes them think, ‘So what?’

 

Ironically, it later makes them remember only the rebuke and not the cause.

 

This makes mockery of the objective of rebuke.

 

An attempt to create guilt makes them distant.

 

They feel abused and exploited.

 

I realised it takes HUGE maturity for any person to be objective when they are being rebuked.

 

When a rebuke happens once, a rare few might display maturity.

 

If this becomes a pattern of response, either we succeed in producing an individual driven by guilt or a person who is totally defiant and closed.

 

Both are undesirable.

 

Neeraj was again busy with his IPL. Mahek was engrossed in reading a birthday invitation card for her.

 

I looked at the stain and at Neeraj and silently thanked both of them.

 

I had learned a very important lesson of leadership.

 

Sincere people do not need a rebuke for they have already decided to improve.

 

With insincere people rebuke does not work, for they have decided NOT to improve.

 

In any case, people will remember the rebuke and never the cause for the rebuke.

 

A sincere person’s heart and mind ALWAYS desire PROPER communication that offers

• support systems,
• ⁠that BUILDS SELF BELIEF
• ⁠and builds TRUST.

 

I decided I will never rebuke anyone and break SELF BELIEF or TRUST.

 

I will guide them towards solutions and provide the support system that is required.

 

The door bell rang in Bharathi’s signature style. Mahek and Neeraj both turned to look at me. I looked at the stain. I smiled. I was ready.

 

With love, prayers and best wishes,