Dearest Darling Friends

There are people who change what others believe is possible

– A teacher sees something in a student that the student has not yet seen.
– A founder persuades a handful of people that they can change the world.
– A manager entrusts a person with a responsibility before that person is sure they can execute it.

We call such people inspiring.
They alter the landscape of possibility.
With them, we feel courage and a sense of purpose.

Question is, after a person has been inspired, what do they do?

Well, they follow one of the following two paths.

1. They increasingly rely upon the leader to interpret events.

– Difficult questions are settled by discovering what the leader thinks.
– Loyalty becomes intertwined with agreement.
– They follow the leaders path blindly.

2. Or, they begin making choices of their own.

– They experiment
– Grow with success
– Learn from mistakes
– Forms new relationships
– Their understanding of life grows
– They create new paths when needed
– They take a lot of initiatives
– They accept responsibility for what follows.

Both may remain grateful to the person who inspired them.
Both may become more capable.

However, there is one small difference.

One person’s confidence continues to depend upon the source, while the other gradually depends on themselves.

The first has acquired borrowed agency, while the second is developing self agency.

The inspired person must answer two uncomfortable questions.

1. If somebody helped me find my voice, can I eventually use that voice to disagree with them?
2. If they taught me to question assumptions, may I question theirs?

In the beginning, borrowing courage is a valuable thing. Someone else’s belief in us can nudge us to break many mental barriers before experience gives us reason to trust ourselves.

There is a tenderness in that relationship, and sometimes considerable risk on both sides.

The difficulty begins when reliance becomes a permanent condition of belonging. The difficulty explodes when the person who made possibilities visible continues to determine what we are allowed to see and do.

It is gratifying to be trusted and it is deeply human to enjoy being needed.

For the leader, independent judgment from the follower can feel like withdrawal of affection, especially in a relationship built through struggle or years of close work.

The follower may experience the same anxiety. How does one disagree with a person to whom one owes so much?

A mature relationship has to accommodate both the debt and the discoveries.

We do not always act because we have become courageous. Sometimes action helps us discover courage.

Gradually, conviction acquires a foundation in experience.

The original inspiration remains important, but its meaning changes.

What began in another’s confidence leads to a confidence to take responsibility for oneself.

So the real test is not whether people are invited to “speak up” or “take ownership”. It is what happens when a difference of opinion becomes inconvenient.

Can it affect a decision?
Or is the person voicing it, reclassified as troublesome, ungrateful or disloyal?

Perhaps that difficulty is part of the answer.

The gift of an inspiring person remains precious.

A fire can be kindled by somebody, but its subsequent life depends on what catches and what feeds it.

Concentrating everything around the original flame may produce an impressive blaze while leaving the whole enterprise dependent upon a single source.

By then, it becomes increasingly difficult to say who owns the fire.

But perhaps the deeper work of leadership begins after the spark.

With love, prayers and best wishes,